Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Hello Ladies... and gentlemen (if you're out there!) - I know "Mary's husband" ( Mary from the comments section) is reading along with her every morning - so let's give him a big estrogen filled shout out for finding all this funny. Welcome, Mary's husband... to the inner circle.
Are you man enough to talk about some really girly things??? Here we go...

I thought I might start the blog off today with a joke!!! One of my all time favorites for a woman to tell a man...

A woman is walking down the street, she sees a homeless woman and walks over to give her $20.
The homeless woman is so thankful and reaches for the money.
But the woman pulls it back and says" Wait, are you going to go spend this on getting your nails done?"
The homeless woman says - " Of course not, I can't afford those kinds of things".
The woman starts to give the money again, but pulls it back saying "Are you going to use this money on coloring your hair???"  Are you going to use this money to buy a good bottle of wine?"
The homeless woman says " Of course not, I simply want to have a hot meal, I am trying to survive on the streets and I cannot have my hair colored or buy nice wine."
The woman says "Fair enough, I would like you to join me and my husband for dinner tonight, our treat, and I will gladly give you the $20 dollars".
The homeless woman says - "That is so kind of you, but I am afraid I am not going to be presentable for a dinner out, I might embarrass you."
The woman looks at the homeless woman and says ..."No, I want you to come EXACTLY like you are...
because I want my husband to see what happens when a woman  stops spending money on her nails, hair and great wine!!!!!"
(insert rim shot)

love that one!! :)

so - moving on ....


Today I got off to a slow start - not sure why - probably because I went to bed later than normal and really pitched a fit when the alarm went off at 6:00am.
With much groaning , I climbed out of bed and stumbled in the direction of the bathroom so I could start my day off with the usual hat trick of activities : brush teeth, pee, weigh. In that order.
The first two are always welcomed for obvious reasons - since all we drink on this diet is water - well, the bladder is always full. And I have NO idea what goes on in all our mouths overnight but seriously... what is morning breath about? That's no way to start off the day. gross.

(Side note: I don't do smells, smelly things or unpleasant odors of any kind. I also have an irrational fear of having bad breath and not knowing it. It only marginally out ranks my fear of visible panty lines and shark attack)

Back to the morning hat trick...

Then the scale....
drum roll please....
IN THE 120'S!!!!! barely... (129) but I'll take it!!! I was so excited!!!

I'm so full of it when I say I don't care what the scale says - I TOTALLY care what the scale says!!! and today it said 129. Whoop there it is!
I guess I wouldn't care what it said if you could bounce a quarter off my ass and do laundry on my abs - then I wouldn't care at all...." I weigh 198, but I wear a size two and look like Tracy Anderson" - that would be fine... but for now - I would by lying if I said it wasn't kind of exciting to see anything in the 120's - all new territory for me... and I am diggin it!

"So - are there any down sides to this new found weight loss?"
Why, yes, so funny you would ask. I did meet one of the downsides today.

I met him today (yes, him) right about the time I was doing the fourth leg exercise. You know the one where you are on your hands and knees moving your leg back and forth on either side of the chair.

"How did this chance encounter happen, between you and this strange man in your house at 7:30 am while you were on your hands and knees?"
Again - great question! Well, you see... I was feeling sooooooo lean and skinny and fabulous this morning that when I went to workout I wore a exercise top that was more like a sports bra.
( I know- I'm a little ahead of myself, because I am NOT ready to wear anything cropped, but I guess I thought - no one is home, it's just me, dare to dream...) and as I am on my hands and knees, I look down and almost scream!!!! MY STOMACH SKIN is hanging down in what I can only describe as looking like a "grumpy old man"!!!!
It was so horrible that I started laughing!!!
Then I couldn't stop laughing - OR stop staring at it!
Seriously... Oh. Ma. Gawd!!! Then I sat back and looked at it in the mirror and sort of bent forward in different ways and made the stomach skin turn into grumpy old man faces - I stopped at about seven different faces. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

I guess before my stomach skin just filled with extra gut ... and I knew better than to look down at it.
I knew to avoid looking at instinctively - you know,  the way you know not to look directly into a solar eclipse. It could blind a girl. Or at least make her want to poke her eyes out.

So I finally stopped laughing at the grumpy old man face my stomach skin was making and then became fascinated with just how horrible it really was to look at!!!
It's kind of like one of those creepy panty hose dolls made to look like an old person. Or when they carve an old person's face out of an apple. An apple person...that is what my stomach skin looked like.

I remember Tracy saying the skin is the last thing to draw back to the body - which is a good thing - because if she had said it was the first thing to get better...and I got an eyeful of that nasty - I would have walked out of my house and driven directly to the first Plastic Surgeon's office I could find and demanded a consult!!!

Patience, grasshopper.
Confucius (Tracy) say : saggy skin will join body once ass not fat.

I really hope so. It was like SAW IV scary. or Blair Witch scary. or Spencer and Heidi scary. yikes.
(and I'm sure Spencer and Heidi are lovely people..but they do scare me a little. sorry.)

After I composed myself, it suddenly occurred to me it was rude of me to be laughing at my new found "guest" and I should introduce myself to that scary little upset old man - find out a little more about him.
What does he do? Where did he come from? WHEN DOES HE PLAN ON LEAVING??? -
When I got my answers - it all made sense.

The grumpy little man has been living under my layers of abdominal fat for years and he is - of all things - a farmer!

What does he farm??? You guessed... CELLULITE!!! He's a mother scratchin' cellulite farmer.

F-er!!! That did it!!!! You are squatting on my land - no one invited you and I want you off my property right this instance!!!!!

And as if it couldn't get worse... he has family! Which is why he is so grumpy and consequently why his face is all crinkled up and hanging off... he has a fat daughter, But... according to him - no one has seen her on almost two weeks!! (oopsie... I MIGHT know a little something in regards to her whereabouts  ...RIP fat daughter of grumpy cellulite farmer) and lastly... he has a grandson...last seen on the playground hoarding toys.

 So, listen up fat family...get your YUCK outta my YUM!!!!

I will not stand for it another minute.
ok- maybe a few more minutes because it may take a little longer to put in enough work to "evict " them. But I WILL...oh, I will indeed.

The grumpy cellulite farmer and his whole family can suck it!

There's a new sheriff in town- and her name is Tracy Anderson. She and her deputy Laura are gonna run you folks out of town. You can go quietly ...or we can do this the hard way.
Wait - I think we are doing this the hard way...???? whatever... Just please leave. I said please.

Speaking of grumpy men at the house... my husband is getting home!!! yeah!!! (I'm kidding - he's a happy soul!)
He has been gone for a week- hunting in Colorado... which I would have told you all about earlier but my mother (hi mom!) was paranoid that someone would come "get me" if I posted on the web that I was at the house alone.
I assured her I had Stevie Wonder (the dog) and a rather odd amount of guns to keep me safe and no one would come and get me. Plus, now I've got the grumpy old man to watch after me...if there was an intruder, I'm sure he would signal me with his phlegmy old man cough. ewwwww.

As I mentioned, my husband is a hunter. I, personally, do not get it and would never want to shoot an animal, but I respect that he loves to be outdoors, one with nature, amongst the animals, dressed like a shrub, lying in wait ... armed. Well, like I said, I don't get it... but he doesn't get why I shriek with pure joy when I hear the words "60% off"... so we have agreed to just be happy that the other is happy and understand that we are different.  Kind of like that book says - what was it called??
 Men are from Mars, Woman are from Neimans.
 ...something like that.

Every year during hunting season I find that since I do not have ten boobs, it is hard to get him interested in MY rack...he's a little too busy sizing up the rack on a deer...or elk... oh well...I'll focus on the racks at Barneys. Turn around is fair play.

But I will welcome my little hunter home with open arms (open, increasingly toned arms)-and thank him from the bottom of my heart for how supportive he has been during my journey! He has encouraged me, run to the store to get me groceries at the last minute and endured the early am loud music and all my bitching and moaning.
He even reads my blog and laughs with me!
He lovingly cheers me on and I am forever grateful for his support in this (and all things) and will be  so happy to see his little beanie head come through that door!!!
Thanks, James! I love you! 

also - ladies take a tip...
when asking your sweet husband, friend or child to run to the store to grab you Agave syrup....be sure and specify that you only really need ONE tablespoon to drizzle over your grapefruit.
James bought me two HUGE bottles. I will have them forever.
Literally, I will have them for the rest of my life.

In love and Agave.
Forever yours...

Down 12 pounds!!!! Feel amazing! upped cardio to 60 mins! and reps to 40..took 2 1/2 hours!!! brutal. Worth it. I'm in the groove - really lovin' it!
Getting measured again on Friday for the end of section 2!(actual end of ten days is Saturday - but am measuring on Friday) I will post new numbers then.
So far Tracy has been right on the money about EVERY LAST THING she said in the book. That alone motivates me to keep it up. A promise kept is a rare thing these days! Thanks for keeping your word, Tracy! and please don't let me down on the skin thing....!!!  please. I said please. 

16 days down...
14 days to go...



PS- Hang in there everyone!!! YOU CAN DO IT! And tonight was Brussel Sprouts night.... no chance of dying from an overdose on those suckers, huh?...geez.

PSS- - I have 99 followers!!!!! one more and I break 100!!! Can you believe that???? I feel like the 100th follower should win something.... maybe one of those panty hose dolls!!! "Mr Grumpy Cellulite Farmer" collectible doll !!!! hmmmmm..... ;)


  1. Hi Laura!

    I do believe that I am your 100th follower!! Though you can rest assured, I won't be hitting you up for a Mr. Grumpy Cellulite Farmer or any member of his family - I have my own! They must be related:)

    Like all of the commenters before me, I have to say that I adore your blog. I'm starting the boot camp this weekend, and it's been amazing to read your blog -- it's like peering into my future (hopefully! your results are amazing!)

    Okay, enough from me. It's high time we evict these grumpy cellulite clan members from our bodies:) Good luck!


  2. Just wondering why...

    In the section where you mention all your fears, why you don't mention feet???!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Love - Bowhead

  3. You are officially the funniest person. I was in tears laughing. You have such a talent for writing. Hope to you write a book or a script inspired by your blog. You make my day.

    I also have a grumpy old man that I want off my property.

    Melissa from Canada

  4. Melissa!!!
    You're my 100th follower!!!
    I can't believe you guys are so sweet to read and keep up with my silliness!!!
    GREAT LUCK TO YOU for starting on Bootcamp this weekend!!!! Great idea - to start on the weekend and have a couple of days to feel lousy before Monday hits.
    Thanks again for the kind words - I've never really written anything! so - I am especially touched that you like it!
    Welcome aboard!

  5. OMG- BOWHEAD!!!!!!

    hysterical!!! how are you? So excited to see you here- I guess you can tell... not much has changed with me!
    Still silly as ever!
    How's Fred?
    How are you?
    I cannot believe you remember that I was terrified fo feet!!! now that's funny.
    I kind of got over it ...unless they are really bad ones - then it will come back over me in a wave of fear!!!
    I'd love to hear more abot you guys!

  6. omgosh I think "mary's husband" is my DAD! toooo funny! haha

  7. my stomach looks pregnant, and i'm not! aaargh! you are inspiring me to keep pushing my self. yes, it's true, skin is last one to pull back in. when i was training really hard with a trainer few years ago, cellulite on my stomach seemed to be getting worse! i asked trainer and she said it's just the water being sweat out of the area, the fat shrinking and the skin hasn't shrunk along with it yet. but it will happen. i think by the end of your 30 days you will see the difference!

  8. Honest to God, I could pee in my pants every freaking time I read your blog. You are like the new improved Chelsea Handler (who I also love, BTW) I really hope TA reads your blog bc I think she would DIE laughing!

  9. the grumpy old man is a friend of mine too..don't worry...why in hell do we have to have a BAD side to losing weight..we work so hard and can't seem to win this fight!!! my two girlfriends are also losing ground fast (breasts) Why is it that when a women loses weight it has to be first in her boobs not on her stomach or ass...I will have to get myself some help in that departement and give a call to Dr, Fritz Barton. Keep it up girlfriend you inspire us!!!

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  11. Dang... a day short to be Mr. Lucky 100! but at least I am out numbered about 100-1 women to men!

  12. I haven't had to worry about bad breath these entire 10 days because I am chewing sooooo much gum to keep myself from eating! I think my mouth is extra minty!!