Well, I DID IT!!!!
I made it through the two hours of working out today and I fought myself every minute of it. It was utterly awful.
and it was all mental. I mentally fought myself every second of it!!!! WTF????
Here's what happens to me sometimes....
I have an internal radio. It is almost always spinning tunes in my head, but on certain occasions it gets stuck on a talk radio station. I call this station KFUK. K-fuck. all negative, all the time! come at ya live from inside your head! "You're fat"," you can't do it", "you've made a series of poor life choices", "you're going to die alone", "you'll never make it"...you get the picture. D.J. IMA VICTIM can also schedule entire KFUK programs on things like.."what if", "you never", " you always" "he never" and on Sundays the always popular "I got screwed" marathon.
OH! and don't forget the weather report...
"Partly cloudy and the sky is falling, with a good chance of tears in the late afternoon".
I think I should point out things that tend to get my dial stuck on KFUK... not enough sleep, too much stress, toxic people, and always...that time of the month.
When I find myself with my internal radio stuck on KFUK, sometimes I have to really focus so I can CHANGE THE STATION!!!!! That's basically what happened today.
Who knows why it gets there in the first place? oh, who am I kidding??? It's one of my presets.
I try not to tune in too often, but the more I do....the more I do.
Listening to KFUK is a habit, just like any other bad habit. You have to break the cycle of negative self talk and tune your dial to another station...like KLUV...or KCAN!
Guess what changed my station today??? getting that god forsaken workout over with!!!!!
I mean really, Tracy??? MAN - round two was TOUGH! I'm not sure if it was as tough as I am thinking or if my playlist was coming from KFUK and therefore made it harder than it should have been. But either way - I ROCKED IT OUT!! I argued with myself, channeling the dead fat girl who thought five to ten reps less that required was PLENTY for today..."especially since you are doing this when you didn't even want to"... but we ignored her and pushed through to complete all the reps - as well as the cardio!
I am actually looking forward to tomorrow's workout because I feel it could NEVER be as bad as todays!...famous last words, right???
Then tonight I got to get all dressed up and go to a dear friend's baby shower!!!! You know what you find at baby showers??? Lots of pink yummies to eat and wonderful little things you can just Pop! in your mouth. And they highly encourage you to wash them down with fruit punch, wine and or mint juleps. OR... if you are the freak doing the radical boot camp type makeover on yourself, you can have water and sneak off into the kitchen to eat your dry salad with turkey burger patty that you brought from home!!!!! Which is - shocker - exactly what I did!!!
I did manage to talk with my mouth full to my precious two friends, Holly and Leslie, who were kind enough to hang in the kitchen while I stuffed my face and told them all about the TAM! Holly swares they will begin to choose a time to give it a go in the near future!
Go get em girls!!!
My precious bestie, Barbara rode with me and wasn't even embarrassed that I was walking into a party with "to go" food...or at least she didn't act embarraassed! Thanks Barbara!!!
I do think it is worth noting... that if I were honest...I would tell you I would have considered pushing an elderly woman down a flight of stairs for one of those damn custom made -with the babies initials in icing - sugar cookies. OMG! my mouth watered just now thinking about them again!
But- I didn't have one and I feel pretty good about that!
Can you even imagine the Shame Spiral I would fall into if I fell off the wagon NOW???!!!! No way! Not gonna happen!!!
btw- if any of you read my mid day emergency shout out blog to our friend in Turkey...guess what????? she did her workout!!!!!! She said she felt all our energy pushing her through from around the globe!!!!
I love that.
DAY ELEVEN SUMMARY:
WEIGHT: still hanging right at 132 - which again, pleases me greatly! I am feeling kind of bloated (what an ugly word) but imagine it is temporary and not a reflection of hard work! I know if I steer the course it will all start shifting soon. I WILL take ALL the toys from my inner brat!!!
I keep telling myself: It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. I am building a foundation for a better body and a better lifestyle - so be patient!!!!
TORTOISE WINS THE RACE!!
ENERGY: pretty good physically. mentally it was rubbish.
WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT NEW MUSCLE WORK ROUTINE: shitballs.
I'll let you know tomorrow when I'm tuned into a different station!
HUNGER: excellent progress. I'm still always a little hungry, but I'm getting used to it and have found a groove. It's amazing how much easier it is to not snack at a party if you don't have that first bite!
I am enjoying the food more these days! Not sure if it's because my taste buds are adjusting or if it's because my body likes to eat SOMETHING besides itself every few hours!!!
I am going to go crawl in the biscuit and go to sleep!!!!! (the biscuit is what I call the bed...not an actual biscuit!)
Tonight's last thought....
(my mom sent me a card that said this on the front years ago...and I still have it and think of it often. very powerful words! Thanks mom! )
"Never hesitate, for one second, to sacrifice what you are - for what you could become"
11 days down...
19 to go...
all BY THE BOOK!!!!!