Thursday, November 18, 2010

Weapons of THASS Destruction...

That's right...WTD's.
Weapons of Thass Destruction are out there and tonight they showed up in the form of Brownies!
Worse part is... I made them.

My precious god daughters are coming to stay with me for the weekend and they love brownies...sadly... they are my favorite too.

Why are they so delicious...? Because the main ingredient in brownies is cellulite. Everyone knows that.

Brownies, cigarettes and Mad Men marathons... three things you you'll have  hard time walking away from if you ever start. Don't ask me how I know.

So, I did lick the spoon - but nothing more! I decided that not only could I not yet "afford" that kind of indulgence on my maintenance plan...but it would be embarrassing to ask James to please hold my hair so I could stick my whole face in them and eat like I was raised by wolves.

Brownies can bring out the Ferrell child in all of us.

Hey, here's a riddle for ya:

What do the "snacks" I have stocked the house with for the girls have in common with I.E.D's.??
(In ground Explosive Devices)

Answer: If I don't watch my step and avoid them - they will both blow my ass up!!!

So- I am combat ready!!!!!!!!

I will navigate the weekend and consider it training to  run the upcoming obstacle course most commonly know as "Thanksgiving".

Then I plan to tackle the all time most dangerous and feared of combat zones... "The Holidays."
The mere mention of it strikes fear into the bravest of bodies, the most disciplined of eaters...
it is to the Thass, what gas is to the flame.
It just ain't good.

It's a war zone out there, ladies!!!!
There's danger at every turn.
Enemies lie in wait to derail are efforts. Armed with DANGEROUS weapons...oh, they are out there.

And these enemies are crafty little boogers.

They start out slow with smaller weapons early in the fight... mini snickers bars and candy corn. At this point they still dress like strangers but they are devious -and clever enough to be sending the weapons into our homes by using...that's right...THE CHILDREN!

If the sleek TAM warrior is mentally strong enough to protect her Thass from that spooky little battle..well, then the enemy gets a little more creative.

They now morph themselves to appear to look EXACTLY like our cherished and beloved family members...
They pretend to be Mothers, Aunts, Sisters, Daughters .... and even GRANDMOTHERS!!!!
And these bitches are packing some SERIOUS heat!

They are armed with pumpkin pies, buttered rolls, casseroles and even something called.... STUFFING!!!
(side note: file "stuffing" in same category as FAT MO's)

And I'm here to tell you, these gals pull out all the stops. They are EVIL, EVIL, merciless enemies of the Thass and they have inhabited the bodies of the women in our lives.

Their serving spoons are like heat seeking missiles to our plates.
They can PLOP a big ole pile of deadly mashed potatoes on us before we can even call for help.

And just when you think you can safely enjoy some turkey and sweet potatoes...the drown them in gravy and butter...I'm tellin' ya - they are dangerous. And if you dare try and explain your plan...
they play the most lethal card known to man.
The guilt card.

Somehow eating a sensible portion and being completely satisfied isn't enough for this opponent. They won't be happy until the top button is undone.
Until you beg for mercy and have actually become a human stuffed Butterball.

Stay strong. You are going to come out a winner. You can beat the enemy...even if the battle is waged on foreign soil and you have to go to their house.

If you "Make it to December" (for those of you that don't listen to country music - that was a shout to Merle Haggard. you should AT LEAST listen to some MH music..he's amazing)
I digress...
You have navigated one of the most difficult days of the year...but whatever you do... DON'T let your guard down ...because this enemy is just warming up.

 Now that they realize you are a worthy opponent...they are bringing out ...THE BIG GUNS.
They are going to bring out ...sugar cookies with red and green sprinkles, or iced and shaped like..gulp...snowmen!!!!! That just ain't right!!!!
The even focus on liquid weapons...  hot chocolate, buttered rum, peppermint schnapps, WINE.

We can get into our tactical avoidance plan for Christmas after we get through Thanksgiving. We may just not be quite ready to think about that battle yet.
It has left many a Thass in rough shape...

But not this one. Not again.

I have studied my enemies and I know their move before the make it.
I will juke and jive my way through Thanksgiving without loosing too much ground and then I will plan my attack on "The Holidays". It will be a long, hard battle...
but this year...I'm bringing BACKUP...
I'm bringing ALL OF YOU!

Together we can look our evil enemies (who have morphed into grandma look a likes) straight in the eye and simply say..."Suck it, grandma!"
"Back away from my plate with that evil ass spoon of yours or I will be forced to kill you."

(side note: please be advised... the above mentioned statement, when used out of context, might land you back at the kids table for years to come)

It may be a war zone...

but I am Mutha Scratchin' RAMBO!!!!

(I mean, the first Rambo, not the later ones like Rambo IV... which goes without saying -cause I haven't had a bunch of face lifts.)

This weekend I will lay out my plan for Thanksgiving and post it for all to see.

Back down to 127!!

I have worked out everyday this week and eaten very sensibly - no night time snacking!!

I am currently doing the Tracy Anderson Cardio Dance DVD - which I find impossible and hysterical to try and learn - talk about me looking like a dork!!!!- wow! but I'm starting to catch on and have learned three segments thus far. Now, I'm starting to actually enjoy it!

I also add in boot camp DVD cardio to supplement while I'm learning sequences.

Today I hiked with my friend Amy and my puppy dog, Stevie Wonder! Mainly because I missed hiking with Amy and Stevie is getting fat!

I'm going to go to bed now before I eat a brownie.

130 lbs or less..

for 365 days...or more.


P.S - next week, on Thanksgiving, when the food snipers take aim ..try running in a serpentine pattern through the kitchen - it makes it more difficult for them to hit your plate.


  1. Ahh, the guilt card.... my grandmother is a pro at this, totally doesn't understand the concept of not eating yourself into a coma around Christmas. "only once a year...made all this lovely food...go on, treat yourself" and even "well, you're married now, so what are a few extra pounds?" The woman does indeed pack some serious ammo!
    Laura, that was hilarious, looking forward to your plan to beat the holidays!! :-)

  2. I'm really amazed at how quickly you got back to 127. Makes me feel that there is hope after boot camp!

  3. Thanks Peta!
    and Julia- I feel the exact same way! Very hopeful!!
    So glad to know that with less effort than boot camp I can maintain-
    I had a two thin crust pieces of pizza tonight..with veggies and a salad.
    So - we will see if it blows me up... hopefully not - I felt the salad was a good compromise to keep from eating a lot more pizza~!!
    It will take a while to REALLY know how much is too much!
    here we go!

  4. Now wait a minute, Miss Thang. You know the methods and madness of the evil grandmothers because you, yes YOU, are one of the Ultimate Food Pushers. How do you roll? You roll those rolls right over to your friends' houses. I've got a full container of freshly shredded cheddar in my frig right now from your last "Get it out of my house and into your's" offering. I know you love to cook and I know you love to feed your family and friends. How many pounds did James gain on the Boot Camp? I love you, but step away from the tupper ware. Cook less or send that tasty treat to your grandmother, Secret Santa Pal or office mates. kiss, kiss.